Weariness

Earlier today Cindy stumbled on her way out to Charissa’s car for a visit to her sister and mother. Charissa’s care ensured her safety; the only thing that became bruised was her ego. Cindy’s ego has taken a great many hits over the past 7+ years, but now things are different. Perhaps due to accelerated decline, perhaps due to reaching a threshold of decline, perhaps due to both, Cindy has a general look of weariness about her.

Certainly I understand why. While Cindy no longer knows that she has Alzheimer’s, while her mind has adapted to many caregiving indignities over the years, I now sense that she senses life should not be this much of a struggle.

A year ago, around this time, I was using two hands to help her with daily assisted living tasks like dressing. One hand was needed to help her while the other was used to fight off  involuntary body movements getting in the way. Now both hands and an extra body part of mine are needed; the extra body part, whether my head, thighs or something in between, is needed to keep her balanced and not falling while I assist her. One time I was zipping up a jacket for her when I turned my head to speak to Noah. Boom! She lost her balance and slunk down to the floor.

Cindy can walk the same distance as she could this time last year, to the village green and back. Yet last year she still had the Cindy stride, the most efficient walking stride of anyone I’ve seen … and I’ve seen MANY long distance walkers. Now I must help her maintain balance the whole way while she shuffles along, listing to the left as she does when she walks or sits, looking more down than around at the nature she so loves. If we do not get to take a break on one of the town’s benches while I read a chapter from a Beverly Cleary book to her, Cindy is dazed and exhausted when we get home.

Some Alzheimer’s sites reference three stages of decline; others reference seven. In reality there are infinite stages that form a continuous decline. Yet no matter how you want to categorize it Cindy is advanced, very advanced. In terms of all the different symptoms listed for all the stages there really are only two left that has not afflicted Cindy. One of them is she still swallows and eats well, though there are increasing coughing incidents after the food appears to go down the wrong way.

The other missing symptom is a little debatable. Yes, there is a weariness about her now, which I suppose could be labeled as the “major personality change” symptom. Yet that symptom implies some type of abnormality for the person. I see nothing abnormal about feeling weary when attempting to do virtually anything becomes a struggle. Otherwise, Cindy exhibits her very normal nature of experiencing joy from the company of others.

This was evident during our Thanksgiving Day dinner. In addition to our kids Noah and Charissa, my brother Bob and wife Jill came all the way down from New Hampshire, just to spend Thanksgiving with us that day. Our nephew Scott also dropped over for a prolonged visit. I could tell that Cindy delighted in their company and laughed at the ribbing between two brothers just as much as she ever did.

For that matter Cindy was quick to recover from her stumble today. First I hugged and comforted her, then I switched to smiles and joking mode. By the time she was seated in Charissa’s car she was all smiles herself. Ah yes, the smile. I can make Cindy smile and giggle anytime at all simply by smiling at her. Granted, sometimes a haze has to be lifted from her eyes before my smile registers, but the smile has never failed. Never. In truth, I suspect anyone’s smile will work with Cindy just as well.

No, I don’t think we can apply the “major personality change” symptom just yet; hopefully that will be the last symptom checked off, or the one never to be.