I appreciate the concern for my well-being that people have expressed during this final journey of ours. I assure folks that caregiving has not been a burden for me, aside from the financial hits taken. Indeed, I believe I’m the least stressed person of my immediate family (except for Cindy) and less stressed than some of my concerned friends. Judging from the public discourse of this last election I may be less stressed than the great majority of the American population.
To be relieved from the doubts that taint most decisions is to remove an underlying cause of stress in our lives. When I first committed to being a full time caregiver I had doubts, but those left me long ago. I’ve made a few questionable decisions in my life, but this is not one of them. I absolutely am doing the right thing; the courage of that conviction keeps my stress level down.
Conviction alone does not keep a caregiver healthy. Many people express their concerns by emphasizing I should take time out for me, which is good advice, but incomplete. Time away from caregiving should be a means towards the end of doing things necessary to remain healthy, such as vigorous exercise, an active social life, meditation or vibrant learning. No research supports that being self-absorbed, or “time out for me” as an end onto itself, provides greater health.
Research instead has shown that humans are naturally altruistic, despite how civilized society alters that. We want to make lives better for others even if that involves some sacrifice. Certainly that holds true for beloved family members.
Taking time out with an emphasis on “me” could conflict with a conviction steeped in “for better or worse,” a conviction that fulfills our natural altruism and contributes to our health, at least while love exists. The solution is to take time out as the means for “exercise,” or a “social life,” or “meditation,” or “vibrant learning,” or any of the quality of life health factors that may be compromised by caregiving. For while conviction may grant us the courage to tackle anything, health is what enables us to follow through on that conviction.
I would do it all over again for Adam or anyone of my Love ones if needed! I Loved taking care of him. XOXOXOXO
I don’t think it is one or the other (being altruistic or taking time for oneself). One can do a little of both. However, your choices work well for you, which I think is great.
I suspect we’re mainly differing on semantics but, like I’ve said, abundant research in various fields are confirming the health benefits from altruism … the altruism has to be genuine, when controlled for self-motivated reasons those health benefits disappear. This includes research going on near you at U.C. Berkeley. To my knowledge, there is no research that has demonstrated the health benefits of being self-interested at the expense of altruism. That’s not to say someone becomes less healthy through self-interest, unless that self-interest deprives them of being altruistic. So, yes, one can do a little of both, as long as altruism is part of the equation. For that matter, my post also suggests the opposite, one should not pursue altruism at the expense of the quality of life factors needed to maintain health. That includes a healthy social life. However, pursuing altruism at the expense of ease, comfort, wealth, and other typical aspects of a “me” culture likely has no negative health consequences, only health benefits. If you can steer me towards research that suggests otherwise I’ll gladly review it. You are absolutely right, my choices would not work for everyone, but they would work for a much greater percentage of society than what we’ve been conditioned by civilization to think.
You said it so well. Time out doesn’t necessarily mean time away. The time you take “for yourself” is in the midst of your caregiving and you have done it so very well. God bless your efforts and your conviction to see this through, showing Cindy that “for better or worse” kind of love. Continue to pray for your strength and health.
Thanks Christy! Say “hi” to the folks at Grand Pass for us.
You absolutely made the right choice – it shows in your writing and in Cindy’s smile. I know when I took care of Sally and our two boys during her illness, I did not do enough to help myself at the beginning. It was only after realizing that taking care of myself was the best thing for all of us and not “selfish ” that we got through it.
Kirk, continue to take care of yourself as well as Cindy.
PS my sister read a humanityhiker post and thought you are remarkable! I set her straight
Apparently you got the message before I made it 🙂 . Kudos and blessings to you and Sally for making it through. Be well, buddy.