Squeezing By

Our house has wide open passages between all the rooms except one: the kitchen. To go from the kitchen to anywhere else in the house warrants single file only. As with most homes the main action occurs in the kitchen. When others in the household move from the kitchen to another room or back we often encounter Cindy blocking the way.

Sometimes the blockage is reactive; she follows slowly behind one of us and blocks the way for our return trip. Sometimes I suspect the blockage is proactive; she hears what task we intend to do and subconsciously drifts towards where she would need to go to help out. In any case, we have squeezed by her in different ways.

Noah used to be impatient with his Mom frequently standing in his way. Impatience gets you nowhere with people who have Alzheimer’s; the resulting anxiety and self-doubt paralyzes them.  Fortunately, I usually would be in the kitchen when this happened with Noah. Cindy and I would give each other knowing looks that thwarted the anxiety as I guided her out of the way.

The knowing looks stem from Noah’s history. He struggles with his own issues, but the good news is he finally appears to be overcoming them. Lately he politely asks his Mom to move and waits a moment for her to do so, which she will do eventually if met with patience. Not only do I feel better about what Noah’s growing patience means for Cindy, but for his growth as well.

I handle Cindy in yet a different way: teasing her.

“There you go again!” I’ll say with a touch of feigned exasperation as I attempt to return to the kitchen from the pantry. A smile creeps over both our faces as we both know the routine that is coming.

“Don’t think I don’t know what you are up to!” I’ll declare. Then I’ll wrap my arms around her and say in a scolding tone: “You are strategically located to get a hug out of me.” At which point she melts into my arms. Occasionally she agrees that extracting a hug is her plan, though that may be because I have conditioned her to think that.

This approach to squeezing by Cindy requires added time. Once again I find my current focus on brain health and caregiving overlapping my ongoing purpose for uncovering what kindness and community are about. Kindness, like proper caregiving, are unhurried conditions. No matter how kind your heart may be, your actions will not reflect that unless you are unhurried. You will not be good at caregiving unless you are unhurried.

On the other hand, removing the hurry and worry of stress can cure meanness or make a good caregiver out of an otherwise impatient person. I often reflect back on raising a family with Cindy now. Quite frankly, I suspect I have made many mistakes born out of hurry or worry over the years. Focused only on caregiving, I no longer make those types of mistakes.

Now if only I could be cured from being a constant tease.