My Need

At the halfway point in our journey, we find ourselves again at my sister-in-law Connie’s house. We will be here a few days in order to recuperate from assorted illnesses, leaving behind us what should be the most difficult part of the hike. This rest time provides the opportunity for reflection on the needs being served by this journey.

All decisions made are in regards to what is best for Cindy, though perhaps not all have been the best decisions. My own desires do not consciously sway those decisions. Yet some have offered sympathetically (one not so sympathetically) that this journey addresses a need of mine as well. I suppose there is some truth to that.

At times I’ve regretted choosing to hike the American Discovery Trail three years ago rather than the PCT. Hiking the PCT now addressed my occasionally felt need to remedy that decision. Yet as we spend more time out here I’ve come to realize two things.

The first is that the PCT is not the remote trail I remembered. The thru-hiker traffic on this trail now approaches the Appalachian Trail. A trail that completes the Triple Crown is still a trail that completes the Triple Crown, but the desire I once had to show my Expedition Woman the most remote and beautiful of the three long National Scenic Trails has abated.

The second realization is that by choosing the American Discovery Trail three years ago I provided us the singularly most spectacular journey of our life together. No other trail comes close to the varied experiences of landscape, culture, kindness and self-discovery afforded by our 5,000 mile walk across the country. Had we hiked the PCT back then I doubt we would have chosen to hike the ADT now. I no longer have any regrets for that decision.

Instead, my need being fulfilled by this hike is something like closure. Cindy has precious little time left to do things like this; let’s wrap things up the right way for our wonderful, adventurous life together. Fulfilling this need proves to be bittersweet. I am warmed by witnessing the enjoyment of nature and snuggling into a sleeping bag Cindy still has, yet pained by her impairments and the finality of all this.

Now I wonder if postponing bits and pieces of the PCT until next year really was for me, to remove the finality of the situation. Should we be fortunate enough to return next year I then wonder if I’ll find some way to postpone at least one little piece for the year after. Unfinished trail equals future promise and hope.

That’s enough about my needs. One purpose of this blog is to help current and potential Alzheimer’s caregivers assess the needs of their loved ones in similar endeavors. While continuing to rest up at this halfway point I’ll reflect on some of Cindy’s needs.