Last Miles

Last days are a time for reflection; last miles are a time for emotion. For most thru-hikers the emotions are excitement and joy as they approach the end of a long journey filled with challenges. Those were my emotions each time I completed the Appalachian Trail. I have had other emotions with other trails.

Because of my moment of truth in the High Sierra, my emotion for the finish of the PCT in 1977 was a zen like calm. Life is a continuum of experiences, not a discrete series of destinations. Why should I be overly excited about any one point along that continuum?

As we were coming down from the San Bernadino mountains in 1977 we were low on water and I was dizzy by the time we reached our creek destination for the night. Having satisfied our thirst and filled our bellies with mac & cheese, Savitt and I were cocooned in our sleeping bags, laying next to each other under the starry desert sky. Such are the conditions for peaceful reflection and I asked Savitt what he would want to be, if he could be anything he wanted.

He turned the question back at me and I was glad to respond. I said I wanted to be wise. I wanted to broadly experience and perfectly understand, for in such understanding comes contentment no matter what life throws at you. After I waxed philosophically, Savitt’s response was he wanted to be an NBA superstar, for through that would be the means to thwart any and all adversity. I suspected my good natured buddy and future best man at my wedding was pulling my leg and I left the conversation at that. Considering that was my “ambition” just weeks before the journey ended, you can understand my zen like calm as we approached the border.

The last miles for the Continental Divide was much like that as well for me, though I must admit my calm was laced by the infectious joy of others in the group. After celebrating at the border we crossed right over to continue the celebration in Mexico (this was in 1985, times have changed). We were all pretty drunk when we returned to our camp that night and the group attempted to depants their leader (that was me).

In contrast, the last miles of our recent American Discovery Trail journey were very emotional. A flock of people joined Ky, Cindy and I for our final walk into our home town. Some people flew across the country for those last miles. My emotions were flooded with humility and gratitude, for the outpouring of support at the end, for the depth of experiences along the way. I broke into tears several times during those last miles.

I feared I would break into tears during the last miles for this journey. They would not be tears of joy; they would not be tears of gratitude. I feared I would be overwhelmed by the symbolism of this final journey experienced with my long time partner. Before hiking those last miles I had a moment with Dave, Kirk and Bret when I confessed how hard this would be. I broke down for a little bit then.

I actually held things together pretty well for those last miles. Having our good hiking friends and daughter with us helped as a distraction. It also helped that I knew Cindy was not experiencing such emotions. She was the one with zen like calm as she truly was living in the moment, not dwelling on the meaning behind the last miles for the past or future.

Considering that four of us were part of that bacchanal celebration on the Continental Divide, our celebration at the Mexican border was quite calm. Our friends packed in champagne for the finish; I now possess an empty champagne bottle from both PCT finishes. Split six ways, there was no danger of a drunken reverie this time.

Only after we started walking back to Campo did I sense my tear ducts start to fill. I did not want this; I did not want to be sad amidst such great friends, loving daughter and perfect partner. I made a preemptive counter by stopping on the trail to turn and hug our wonderful accomplices, Cindy’s entourage as Mike would call us, thanking them with genuine joy and gratitude for their presence. The present moment was, after all, still a beautiful moment.

Yes, I held things together pretty well for those last miles. Yet even those who aspire to wisdom are not immune to their emotions. I suspect there will be much, much more varied emotions experienced before the last miles of my life together with Cindy has been experienced.