This house has witnessed two generations of men with spouses who have Alzheimer’s. There are similarities between the generations, as well as differences. Then there is one similarity that has become a difference.
Pop (my father) was not afraid to die. That was evident when he enlisted in the Navy during World War II, at age 35, which may or may not have been the right thing for a father of three sons to do at that age. After the war two more sons came along and we moved to this house in Norfolk. As I grew up in this house Pop’s acceptance of death was evident right up until he died on the operating table. He always wanted to predecease Mom and got his wish.
I shared Pop’s lack of fear for dying. After this episode in my life passes I know I will reacquire that attitude as I hike in foreign lands where danger lurks. I say “reacquire” because at the moment I am afraid of dying.
In the grand scheme of things it was good for Pop to die first; taking care of Mom would have been difficult for his volatile nature. Fortunately, I inherited some of Mom’s calmness and used that to take care of her. Now that calmness and experience helps me to care for Cindy. The tables are turned in that I hope I outlive Cindy, fearing the consequences to her quality of life should I go first.
Recent events reveal the problem with such fear which, as ironic as this may sound, interferes with embracing life. The case in point surfaced a couple months ago when I started getting an unfamiliar type of headache. My family’s medical history includes brain aneurysms, the cause of Pop’s death on the operating table. This led me to worry about the different type of pain I experienced, and the possible consequences for Cindy.
I’ve identified this now as a self-perpetuating infliction with what starts as a “sadness headache.” The night of the worst headache after the first one followed an event of particular sadness. Fortunately, now having understood the cause, I am better at managing the consequences. No doubt my new healthy diet and lifestyle contributes to the avoidance of aneurysms as well. However, my main point is the fear of dying does not serve anyone for embracing life, but rather hastens the worrier further on a path toward its end.
