Brain Health Checklist – Love

“Pssst,” I’ll say while standing close to Cindy, “I’ve got a secret. Do you promise not to tell anyone?”

Cindy nods her head. Even with her memory problems she must know what is coming by now. I do this routine with her several times a week, usually when she needs a little boost. I lean in with my lips to her ear and whisper:

“I love you.”

Then I back away before quickly adding with a grin: “Now you promised! You are not going to tell anyone this are you?” Cindy grins back and agrees to keep her promise not to tell anyone that I love her.

This is but one endearment I repeat several times a week. Another favorite is announcing to Cindy: “We make a good team, don’t we?” A strategy lies behind this one. A team suggests coequals living and/or working together towards a common purpose. I also frequently tell her she’s beautiful, with yet another strategy lurking behind that as well.

The ancient Greeks had different terms for different types of love. They were onto something. Different regions of the brain are stimulated by the different types of love. Telling Cindy she is beautiful corresponds to the Greek “eros.” This targets the ventral tagmental, one of the oldest evolved regions of the brain. Finding mates attractive long precedes the human species.

Telling Cindy we make a good team fits in with the Greek “philia.” This corresponds to the kinship or friendship attachments that trigger the ventral palladium, a newer region of the brain due to our evolution as a social species. Also more recently developed is the ventral medial prefrontal cortex which is triggered by what the Greeks called “agape,” or the deep love one has for God, humanity …. or a long term partner. When I whisper “I love you” into Cindy’s ear I know she understands that now this means deep love, rather than the romantic love those words meant when we dated.

I was not always this affectionate with Cindy, which is fine (nor was I unaffectionate). To tell the truth, under most normal circumstances my constant endearments would be considered “laying it on thick,” but we are not talking about normal circumstances. Sweet talking Cindy may no longer be improving her brain health, yet still serves the important function of reinforcing her self-image and quality of life. In her current condition she might easily devalue herself and her life; I will have none of that.

Besides, I like being overly affectionate for this twilight period. For a whole lifetime, no, I’m not about to preach that we should feed our loved ones endearments constantly as if there is no tomorrow. I suspect overuse causes endearments to lose their value. Yet as a means of capping a wonderful partnership … one filled with eros, philia and agape … frequently expressing my love enhances my quality of life as well.