As we sat together at the breakfast table Cindy had one of her patented, glowing smiles. Wanting to milk her good mood further, I brought out a frequently used line I typically use for her more somber moods: “Have I ever told you ‘I love you?’”
She gave me a quizzical look, as if she wanted to answer but did not know how. This could have been due to her struggles with communicating and I decided to provide an answer for her: “I only say that all the time, huh Mom?” (Since the PCT hike with our daughter Charissa I can’t seem to break the habit of calling Cindy “Mom”)
Her smile remained, but with corners withdrawn just a bit. She answered, falteringly: “I … I … really don’t know.” Then I could see her eyes getting a little moist and I understood that she had not answered due to problems with memory, not communication. I understood how frustrating this must be for her. She would like to remember this incredibly gorgeous hunk always confessing his love (perhaps I embellish a little bit), but she just can’t. Great job, Kirk! I changed a good mood into a sad one single-handed.
You always see moodiness listed as one of the symptoms for those with Alzheimer’s. Sometimes the moodiness appears arbitrary and sudden, people might think some general dissatisfaction from the disease is the cause. From my observations there always is a trigger, but that trigger may be harder to identify as the disease progresses.
When we were hiking the PCT last year the triggers were easy to identify; Cindy at times felt useless. This past winter I reported on a trigger that took me awhile to identify: the commercials implying that caregivers deal with a burden. Now I must confess the triggers are not at all obvious. Often times in the morning she starts out fine but, at some point while I’m getting breakfast ready, she will start wandering and that smile of hers straightens out.
The fact that the morning’s routine does not always set her off does not preclude that the routine might sometimes set her off. Who could blame me for wanting to milk that smile of hers whenever it presents itself? Her good moods are intoxicating.
I could have presented moodiness as the first brain dysfunction symptom, a signal due to stress or depression that many think delivers the first warning for Alzheimer’s, not the memory or confusion problems that are the trademark. For Cindy I present this as the last. Her natural essence of warmth and kindness delayed this symptom early on in her case, while the shrinking windows of her natural character represent, at least to me, the final stage and exclamation mark of this tragedy.
Yet this episode of our lives is not over. I will continue to report on what happens here on Emerson Street and reflect back on our journeys together. Hopefully this provides continued information and inspiration for brain health and the quality of life. Please stay tuned.
Once I saw Cindy’s eyes start to moisten at the breakfast table I decided I needed to get up and do the dishes. I left her with a smile still apparent and a brighter mood did prevail that morning. Feeling useless or a burden appear to be the worst triggers of moodiness for Cindy, more than any other failings caused by Alzheimer’s, even the failure to remember how much someone loves you. Yet there was someone else in the kitchen, eyes turned away towards the sink, for whom the tears did flow.
