Beyond Terminal Care – Being Social

Three types of social conditions benefit brain health: intimacy, altruism and fellowship.  “The Joy of Sex” is aptly titled, but even the intimacy of prolonged hugs can release the neurotransmitters that give you a joyful high.  As long as Cindy could stand up, at least with my support, we “danced” and maintained intimacy that way.  When I no longer could stand her up I held her in my lap 3-4 times a day.  I suppose the nightly goodnight kiss on her forehead counts as well.

Altruism has long been confused, even distorted, to the extent that you even see terms such as “toxic” or “narcissistic” altruism.  The type of altruism that provides brain health benefits, and I would argue the only true definition of altruism, are truly selfless acts of kindness.  You are more certain to get a joyful high from helping a complete stranger down on his/her luck, whom you will never see again, than from helping a friend or buying coffee for the anonymous person in line behind you.

Helping friends provides brain health benefits when you expect that they would also help you.  This general reciprocity benefit applies as well to people in your social sphere that you really do not know, but trust them to return kindness if needed in the future.  Altruism exists independently and in addition to general reciprocity because of empathy.  In feeling the troubles of others we have an instinct to alleviate those troubles with no motivation for reciprocity or even to be recognized.

Empathy alone does not provide a joyful high.  In fact, if you continually felt sorrow for another without any recourse that likely would undermine your brain health.  Roughly 98% of humanity has the empathic ability to feel the joys and sorrows of others, but this enhances brain health only when converted into selfless action.   Those who lament being an empath either have no recourse to act, or they act but feel underappreciated.

I avoid the downside of empathy with Cindy by channeling emotional empathy into acting upon her care.  Cindy is no stranger, but neither do I expect kind acts from her in return.  I act because preventing her sorrow elevates my joy.  In a series of essays I am writing under the title “Unenlightened Wisdom” I go into further detail about how different types of empathy and kindness relate to brain health, with links to pertinent research.*

This leaves fellowship as the main challenge for being social in my caregiver situation.  One means of fellowship for me has been with the people who provide coverage as aides or volunteers.  I usually spend a little time chatting with them before they take over, even more time if I just finished a cup of coffee before they arrived.  So far we have outlasted sixteen people who helped with Cindy for a year or more.  Now that we are beyond terminal care and our situation appears permanent I must consider this turnover to continue.  Please consider becoming a volunteer companion or even a part time aide through state funds that keep disabled people in their homes.

Just months before covid struck I held three game nights with different cohorts of friends. This brought a good measure of joy into the home and hopefully I can revive that joy moving forward.  I aim to host game nights with different cohorts of family, neighbors, hiking buddies, former classmates, you get the picture.

Usually I hike alone for at least five miles at a time in the “off season,” when Cindy must stay indoors, but this past year I much enjoyed hiking on two occasions with a friend.  I would like to do this more regularly now if possible, even throughout the year.  Maybe, just maybe, I also can swing an overnight backpacking excursion if I get the coverage.  Here is a shout out to locals with fairly good stamina, in addition to our long time hiking buddies in the region.

For years now I perform with my guitar for an audience of one.  If I have another phase of life beyond this one I hope to perform for others in venues known as home gigs.  Becoming a wandering bard fits my nature perfectly, so why wait?  If you live in the area, how about inviting me into your home to perform for you and a few of your friends?  I ask only for a delicious home cooked meal as compensation (pizza or other takeout welcomed as well).  My repertoire consists of multimedia movements from my American Discovery Symphony, original songs from my former band “The Bards of Balance,” and covers of songs that I consider to be progressive folk.

Leave a comment if you are interested in the fellowship of game night, hiking or hosting a gig.  I will provide notice of these social strategies on Facebook as well.  Perhaps this gives you a few ideas for your own strategies to be social and maintain brain health.

*When my Unenlightened Wisdom essays are ready for the public I will provide a copy of the introductory essay to subscribers of the blog.