Becoming Friends with Strangers

Charissa comes to visit on most Fridays, making that a day I can go outside by myself for exercise. My usual route takes me up to the top of Lovers Lane and back, about four miles. The second mile is all uphill on a dirt road through the woods. Even if I walk the other three miles, running up this one mile gives me all the workout I need and still be back in under an hour.

This time I finished my “walk” by going to the pub to order supper for Cindy, Charissa and myself. As I waited for our meals to be prepared I sat at the bar and had a beer. First I struck up a conversation with the bartender, pointing out that moving a particular bottle on a shelf to the left would make it less likely to be knocked off. I admitted I was an obsessive kind of guy that way.

A couple at the end of the bar overheard the conversation and chimed in they were similarly obsessed, indeed had made the same observation about the bottle. In short order I was sitting next to John and Maria and they were treating me to another beer. Since I do not get out at all a second beer loosened an already fairly loose tongue.

I am adept at meeting and chatting with strangers, to the point where I am seldom strangers with anyone for long. From all my long distance journeys I have extensive practice at this, but I also have the right attitude. I believe people are social.

Early on this belief was merely part of my inherent nature. Then I engaged in social systems research and found out our “uncivilized” condition was much more social than our “civilized” condition. The social ideal of “being civilized” drips with irony. More recently I am engaged in brain health research and the same conclusion pops out: we are meant to be social, since being social makes us healthier.

We are not as social as could be because by nature we also tend to live up or down to the expectations of others. Our society is a mess in regards to how little we expect from others, particularly others of a different country, culture or demographic. What should be normal social behavior driven by empathy we praise as heroic, while antisocial behaviors proven bad for our hormones are considered normal. At the root of this cynicism are authorities that nurture our distrust of humanity because we will then place greater trust in authorities and heroes.

At one point in our conversation the topic of kindness came up. Maria shared a story about her father once asking her what was most important for a person. Maria at first responded “intelligence,” but her father countered with “kindness.” This profoundly affected her.

I have a similar question for folks as Maria’s father. If you were to form a society where everyone had one particular trait in common, what would that trait be? Many civilized folks would answer “intelligence,” or the “best and brightest,” those who best facilitate progress. I go with what our natural selves would seek as the one trait everyone in my society should have: loving. That might mean a few less civilized gadgets and comforts achieved, progress would be less revered, but to the benefit of our brain and societal health.

My order to go came out as we chatted. I told John and Maria not to worry, my daughter Charissa would readily forgive her Dad being delayed by this rare occasion, being out on the town, being social. Yet as our conversation continued Charissa eventually called to find out what was going on. I put her call on speaker phone and John charitably covered for me, speaking to Charissa as if a daughter of his friend was also his friend.

After Cindy passes away my blog and writings will continue. Perhaps I can help some folks believe, for the sake of both brain and societal health, how natural that being friends with others, even strangers, can be. …. Or let’s meet at the pub and chat.