Acceptance and Alzheimer’s

Time to complete this series on the five stages of grief and Alzheimer’s before we leave for our PCT journey.  To recap, the first four stages of grief according to Kubler-Ross are Denial, Anger, Bargaining (guilt) and Depression.  They are listed in proposed order of occurrence, though in reality they can overlap and occur in any order, as they did with me.  This is particularly true for Alzheimer’s, a disease with no remission, just a steady decline and ever changing, degrading conditions to accept.

Yet at some point you either have to succumb to grief or move past it to acceptance.  What caregivers have to accept differs, as does the different expressions of Alzheimer’s, but what lies in common are the three Rs.

ROLE:  A caregiver must accept the caregiving role.  Yeah, I know, you really needed me to point out the obvious, right?  Yet contributing to the other stages of grief in my case was not accepting this role fully.  As I explained in an earlier post, I was once in the midst of Bargaining myself back towards being the major breadwinner in the family; that could never happen if I was to fully embrace the caregiver role.  A large majority of caregivers are female, expected by society to fulfill that role.  More males need to forget the breadwinner stigma and do what it takes to put caregiving first.

ROUTINE:  From 8-9 every morning Cindy and I go through a routine that would not occur if she was healthy.  I get her up, help her dress and get ready to come downstairs, get breakfast on the table, make sure she takes her meds, even help with putting the dog on the leash for her to walk (those morning walks are quite brief).  I make sure she has toast buttered with coconut oil and make fruit smoothies on most mornings.  The day then continues with more routines sprinkled in here and there.  I could be resentful of having to take care of all these details every …. single …. day, yet it’s just a routine, nothing more nor less.  Our lives are riddled with different types of routine.  Some people have a routine of commuting an hour or more to work and back every day.  Once we accept that our lives are filled with routines one way or another there’s no bemoaning the cause that some routines are determined by being caregivers.

RELATIONSHIP:  A caregiver must accept how to relate to a loved one with Alzheimer’s.  At the least that will have changed from an equal to a paternal relationship.  Sometimes how to relate is the sticking point to ever accepting.  For a short while we tried to take care of Cindy’s Dad who had Alzheimer’s, but he was too angry to keep around our young kids.  Fortunately for me Cindy continues to be the warm and kind person she’s always been.  My love for her may have shifted a bit towards the paternal, but it’s no less deep.  I still can cheer her up virtually at will by teasing her or telling dumb jokes.  Go figure.  That very fact is why I know I must accept the ROLE of full time caregiver.  Who else will tell jokes as dumb as mine when necessary?

There you have it, the three Rs of Acceptance.  I hope anticipating and understanding these three roles might be of help.