No Big Deal

The words NO BIG DEAL jumped out at me, and not just because all the letters were capitalized. With those words my daughter Serena captured in her Father’s Day blog post what I’ve been blogging about for over a year. Being a caregiver for a loved one is doable, full of difficulties to be sure, but at times rewarding, at times enjoyable. It can be “no big deal.”

Of course, the phrase “No Big Deal” in regards to my role as caregiver represents a conundrum. If taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer’s really was “no big deal” how could I blog so much about it? Indeed, Serena’s own view, reflected in her writing, was that my role as caregiver was a big deal in her eyes, nor is the irony lost on me that I am hoping this is enough of a big deal for readers to respond to the Calm the Mind campaign.

At the heart of this personal conundrum is a societal one. The verdict is out: we are an altruistic species. Empirical behavioral research has documented the wellness benefits of altruism. The research distinguishes between being magnanimous, “altruism for show” or to be loved in return, and the true altruism that cares for others over that of self. Only true altruism has been shown to increase emotional health, brain health and longevity. This undermines the claim that even good deeds are self-motivated. If you help someone because something inside you compels you to care, you enhance your wellness; but if you help deliberately for the sake of your own wellness, then you do so in vain.

Yet we are convinced by many sources that we are selfish, even bad. Unfortunately, we tend to become what people perceive us to be. If our society insists we are selfish beings, that societal systems work best on self-interest, then we tend to fulfill that expectation of ourselves, regardless of whether that promotes our wellness or not.

Thus caregivers are six times more likely to develop dementia symptoms. We care because something inside compels us, yet people, headlines and testimonials convince us how much of a depressing burden this is to us. Just this week a good friend linked me to yet another “woe is me” report from a caregiver.  With many similar news stories and testimonials decrying what a depressing BIG DEAL it is to be a caregiver, no wonder we are at such a health risk, for though altruism has been shown to be good for our wellness, depression most definitely is not.

That is why my posts, and the way I live, attempts to convey “NO BIG DEAL,” despite the irony. Granted, there are any number of factors that could make caregiving a depressing, perhaps impossibly big deal for any particular person; but the most common factor in our society is also the least viable, that our economic duty is actually to be selfish and we are expected to find such altruism to be a depressing burden rather than a natural path towards wellness.

Certainly there are steps you need to take besides caring for others to maintain wellness, particularly when dealing with the difficulties that dementia presents. I’ve posted that caregivers need our “oxygen mask,” certain things that we must do to secure our own health before attending to the health of others. Diet, exercise and minimizing stress were parts of this oxygen mask; add a supportive social network to that as well. An example of this is my daughter’s Father’s Day blog, which made her father teary-eyed. To feel supported and appreciated in my purpose gives me strength, enhances my wellness, even if I don’t want people to think of it as a big deal.

With an assist from Serena’s post, in three weeks the Calm the Mind campaign has brought us halfway towards the goal of a walk-in tub for Cindy. Please consider helping us with the other half.

Also, I will be compiling my posts about brain health and caregiving into an eBook. The emphasis will be on maintaining a high quality of life for both endeavors, which includes embracing our inherent altruism. Email subscribers to this blog will get a free copy. Stay tuned.